One thing you never expect to find when you come home is a hole in your wall. Another would be a small blonde frantically trying to cover it up with duct tape and cardboard from the other side. “What the hell happened?” I shouted through the hole.
“Uh, well, my ex was kinda mad at me, and he threw my flower vase at my head, but he missed and it sorta punched a hole in your wall.”
“Jesus christ, how hard did he throw it? And why are you fixing it? Shouldn’t it be like a carpenter or something?
“Mikey, I mean our landlord was walking by when he heard the smash, so he ran in and kicked out Eric and then-” I cut her off, asking, “Who’s Eric?”
“My ex. Anyway, Mikey, sorry our landlord, started freaking out, but I told him I would fix it”
“I, uh, appreciate the gesture but, I’m not going to live with a giant hole in my wall. Do you know where this Eric lives?”
“I can, but Eric’s a douche. He might hurt you if you piss him off. He’s a super.”
“Can you please just tell me where he lives?”
“Look, you seem like a nice guy, and I don’t want you to get injured, or killed.”
“Just tell me where the fucker lives. I’ve been having a really bad day and I just want my wall fixed. I’ll be fine.
“I wouldn’t do it if I were you, but follow me.”
“Don’t do it,” she said, as I reached for the doorbell. God she was annoying, I thought. Ignoring her, I rang the bell. The second it opened I snapped my fingers and the world slid to a stop. Focusing on the small burst of air snapping my fingers made, I sped it up until it became a shockwave about as strong as a hand grenade. The world sped up and I saw a muscular man fly backwards through a wall as the girl screamed and dove for cover. I walked in and crouched in front of the man on the floor in front of me. He started to crawl away
“I’LL NEVER HIT HER AGAIN I PROMISE! PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! GO AWAY! PLEASE! I SURRENDER! YOU CAN’T HURT ME IF I SURRENDER! I KNOW MY RIGHTS!”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You’re a cape right? Trying to arrest me cause that bitch told you about me selling drugs? Or that I hit her? I-I-I don’t have any drugs. J-just leave me alone I did nothing wrong.
“First off, I’m not a cape, and I’m not here to arrest you.”
He breathed a sigh of relief. Idiot. Imprisonment was a lot better than a rival drug dealer breaking in and or any of the other options.
“Secondly, I’m wearing a Comcast uniform. What kind of superhero wears a Comcast uniform?”
“A sponsored one?”
“Fair point, but this is a repairman uniform. And finally, I’m robbing you.
“Better than Jail I guess.”
“Gonna have to agree with you on that one. Anyway, you saw what I just did today. That was just a snap. Wanna feel a clap? Or a scream?” Fun fact! That was a bluff. All noises have the same destructive power when I speed them up. Snapping just looks cooler. He shook his head quickly as the girl looked in the door and shouted, “What the hell was that?”
“Um, I’m a hero and I’m arresting him. For drug dealing, and uh, stuff.”
Eric looked up. “But I thought you sai-“
I glared at him and mouthed “Shut the fuck up”. He did.
“He hit me too if that helps.”
‘Thanks, uh, I’ll write that down. You should go home, I’m going to call the cops and they are gonna take him away.”
“We’re talking about this later, but fine.” She ran off, leaving Eric and I alone.
“Probably shouldn’t have used my powers,” I muttered as I turned back to him, “Where do you keep your money? Don’t even THINK about lying. I can hear your heartbeat, and I’ll know if you’re lying.” I actually couldn’t, but you’d be surprised about how many people believe that. He pointed at his ruined closet and I walked over to its remains and sifted through the shards of wood until I found a shoebox. I opened it and saw that it was filled to the brim with Benjamins. “If you tell anyone about this, I will shatter every fucking bone in your body,” I said to him as I left. He nodded so fast I could actually hear it.
Today was a good day.